Tonight

I can't. I won't. This is over.

Decision time

The plastic surgery office was decorated like a spa. Purple pillows, frosted glass with inset bamboo, orchids and artwork, there was even a fancy coffee maker installed in the wall. Every one there was overly nice. A few people came in for massages. And the lady in the waiting room with me needed to stop getting work done on her face. Or perhaps she needed to have not at all. I had to drive out there from down town. I took 70. And it was scary. I'm the worst driver. really. I've driven to both coasts and still nothing, terrible, terrified.

My mother is pushy and keeps talking over me and for me. And refuses to fucking google the situation so she has some god damned background information. Maybe I should buy her a book.

i dont know how to start the explanation.

There are three surgeries.

First. They hack off both boobs. (i have to do both because otherwise one will be fake and one will real. And this will not look right. plus there is a chance that cancer will develop on the right side. and either way they have to reduce it. because they don't even make implants as big as mine.) A temporary implants are inserted. Flat at first. I have to spend the night in the hospital. 3 months will pass and they will gradually fill them up to stretch the skin. 3 entire fucking months right in the middle of the summer. When its hot as fuck and there is no way to hide anything.

second they put in the implants. 3 more months of healing.

then she slaps on some nipples.

when its done they will look amazing. never sag.





but they will have no feeling.
at all.
ever.





i don't think i can go through with this.