Afterwards

Two months out. I feel no pain. I feel nothing. Physically no harm. I find the words difficult to describe my emotions.

My five week hiatus from work has proved detrimental to my confidence and finances. Now I'm forced to return, or liquidate my belongings and go completely transient.

The lack of nipples is not agreeing with me. On some occasions I argue, the trouble and pain of nipples would be for for men (or more specifically for one man), is it worth the extra surgery to make things right. Just to feel like he has a whole person. will i feel whole enough to justify the efforts?

Why bother apply fake numb nipples?

Would it make me less self conscious?

tank tops, sheet corners, 9 dollar bras, hands cupped over my "breasts", lights off always. The surgeon's binders of photos lied, the healing process prolongs my sanity. everywhere. lined up in pairs, staring at me, taunting me.

Even from a long distance. those strip club girls are haunting me as my boyfriend enjoys his weekend away bachelor party, who's itinerary i can only imagine involves his beautiful face nose diving head first into nipple latent cleavage.

I see nothing but healthy young breasts all around me. their tight little shirts youthful, carefree, real.

I am drowning in the reality of what has happened. and unable to grasp the necessity for my actions.

unsuccessfully googling breast cancer support groups. . .