back and forth up and down

I'm on a constant cycle of fuck it - schedule it- fuck it etc. over and over.

I find myself sitting staring into space friday night. I keep reading these posts, spell checking, and revisiting my cycle of thoughts. is there a difference been writing about your feelings and writing about your thoughts? because at first i had written "feelings", and thought whoa that sounds pretty lame and gay. But if I tell you what in is my head, "thoughts", thats seems much cooler. when i was writing head I typo'd and wrote "heart", instead of thoughts. I think i just answered my own questions. feelings = heart = gay, thoughts = head = cool. ok proceed.

Re-reading these blogs, puts me in a pit of despair. Tears are constantly streaming down my face as I try to focus on reality and my present company. I spent the last two nights at the lake with my roommate and his parents. JT's parents are fabulous people. They built a home together. They built a life together. And in my eyes are literally the height of personal and spiritual success. Just good honest hard working fun loving caring individuals. They make me realize what i want out of a relationship and then in turn depress the living crap out me because I can't have it. They make me wonder where the hell JT went so horribly wrong as a functioning adult.

Since the onset of this blog, I felt it necessary to put the link out there and let everyone know what is going on. I don't want to be responsible for explaining myself. I'm not really sure how i'm going to deal with the comments from people who don't know whats up. Like Alberto the moron mexican janitor at work who can barely remember my name but always makes comments about the painfully obvious. Because of this I've spoken with many people in my life very bluntly and honestly about the situation. I've gotten emails and comments sending good energy in my direction. To those people I am truly grateful. Your responses mean a lot to me so please continue, please follow along, please leave comments. I'm a "strong ass bitch" in the words of BW, but i'm not that strong and I can't do this alone. And for a minute there and sometimes still, I feel desperately and despairingly alone.

My ex husband just sent me a text message that said "i hope you die soon" wow. so far in life, that tops the charts for the worst thing ever said to me list. I'm completely in awe. Yes i was sort of short and bitchy on the phone but . wow. yeah. wow.

Last night after a fifth of vodka split between me and jt after a day in the sun, JT passed out and I got into my contact list and started calling and texting in a desperate outreach operation. I talked to my grandma for a long time. I said a about a million things you should never tell you grandmother. We decided that the week after surgery i would stay with her. Waffles and corn flakes, italian sausage, vodka tonics, penne with meat balls. I can live with that.